I went to visit a vanilla friend of mine the other day and she proceeded to tell me all about how controlling her boyfriend was. He is a friend also of Master and me. My friend said her b-friend had lots of rules like that she had to be home when arrived home from work, that he wanted the house clean and dinner ready also. He has a bedtime for them and he limits her time on the computer, etc.. etc..


She says that he doesn't get violent or anything when these things are not met but that he scolds her a little and stresses his rules. She also said that he is a very loving person and he tries his best to meet her needs. But she is finding the control thing to be abusive.


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As she is telling me this I could not help to think about how much consent really means. What she finds abusive, others seek out. She has no idea as to how structured my daily life is. She doesn't know that I'm slave or that my master has lots of ‘rules’ for me also. But I consent to this; I live this happily. For my vanilla friend however, it is emotional abuse and domineering behaviour, because she doesn't consent to such things.

This got me thinking about the importance of consent. Feel free to comment.


It doesn't sound lik a vanilla relationship to me. Making all these bizarre rules for your partner sounds very un-vanilla. He expects her basically to do everything, cooking, cleaning etc (does he help in the house at all?), and in addition to that he has the cheek to tell her when she can go to bed, limit her time on the computer, scold her if she doesn't do exactly what he says? Why doesn't she tell him to get stuffed?

Umm - no, you don´t get the difference between...

The thing is, in a vanilla relationship both parties (or the ruling one..) have no knowledge about creative, consensual "abuse" and that it is found erotic by some people.
I know it, I have been ill-treated by my former partner who is a complete vanilla but still very domineering, abusive, destructive, emotionally disturbed.
Now I know the BIG difference between being obedient because of fear vs. of love. I cannot express how diferent it is!
I was ordered to cut off my links with friends, given new ones, not allowed to talk about him with anybody (incl. my a his family!) never allowed to talk about my successes in study (because he was a terrible student and failed), he changed my clothing style into a gothic-sluttish that I never liked (but I thought I am unattractive so I obeyed)...
in conclusion - discipline without consent is destructive while "discipline" with consent can be very enriching.

Completely vanilla?

I had always thought that 'vanilla' meant normal, as in ordinary, bland, safe. There is nothing remotely normal about telling someone what time they can go to bed, how much time they can spend on the computer etc. And the way the person you described treated you, he sounds like a sadist, rather than someone 'vanilla', not safe at all. Enjoying making someone else suffer doesn't sound normal to me. He may not have been into doing kinky things in bed, but it seems to me a twisted kind of sexuality, certainly not normal. Can you be a warped, twisted sadist, and still vanilla? Raspberry ripple maybe, or possibly rum and raisin, but vanilla doesn't seem appropriate. I tend to think of myself as mint chocolate chip.

Consent is the Golden Key

I agree 200%. Consent is what separates an enjoyable and loving relationship from abuse. I know exactly where my parameters are. My husband has my consent to spank me when I am in that mood. He doesn't have my consent to spank me for discipline, or to make rules for me.

I've also given him consent to speak up if he sees me violating my diet, and I have the same consent from him. Otherwise it would be seen as nagging and meddling.

Honestly...it is possible that you would like my ex and think we are a great couple! He is that kind of very popular, enchanting person everybody loves (note: he hasn´t ANY real friends, because of his paranoia - nobody knows anything personal about him. People around him even didn´t know about me - my name, occupation etc. that worried me, because I want a man to be proud of me..was he? Seems no.)
About his sexuality...that´s a tough question. He enjoyed being "dominant" only as a game and he wasn´t any good in it, as I said, he is a vanilla. It seems more like he is very submissive and enjoys dark, femme fatale, self-harming and suicidal gothic chicks! He does, I have seen her and that´s just his gusto.
Oh, I don´t think he would say he was isolating me! He *wanted the best* for me, see:-) That is: live just for him and his insane world, leave everything behind.
there is a certain insane, irrational masochistic attitude in him that makes me mad. he cannot control his life and himself so I suppose he tries to control others instead and cultivates "The image".